Home

Since Adam was born, the move has hit me hard. Suddenly, I have found myself missing England more than ever. It has a lot to do with the convenience of things in the UK, the fact that I did the newborn thing there already, with health visitors available to call any time, with follow up visits from midwives and a good all-round aftercare system. 

Here, after two visits from my midwife, it feels a little bit like I've been left at the edge of a cliff to sort myself out. If I were a first time mother, I'd feel a lot more alone. There is a level of assumption here that family will step in and sort you out. And family have done and they continue to do, but I don't always want to turn to family for help. Sometimes I'd like the input of a professional, someone who deals with these things day in, day out. Someone who I don't feel judged by, someone who means nothing to me. Somehow, it makes a difference. I wish I still had access to that.

I also find myself wishing I could casually stroll into the city centre for a spot of window shopping. I miss TK Maxx, I miss the massive local Boots.

I miss pavements that don't have telephone poles and trees growing out of the middle of them. I miss ramps. I miss a society that acknowledges children and buggies. I miss not having to get into the car to go just about anywhere. I miss the local parks and the tearooms and the friendly helpful faces. I miss having the High Street on my doorstep. 

But mostly I miss my friends and my sister. I miss being able to give Emily time with her friends and cousins. I miss the relaxed chats I could have with my friends without the stress of a crappy wifi connection. I miss these friends who have been around since Emily's Day One and know me as a mother inside out. I'll never have that again.

I know we have it good. I stop and remind myself that bath and bedtime with two little ones to deal with on my own would be a lot more stressful than it currently is. I know that there would have been a lot of time where those same friends I miss so much had lives of their own to live and I'd have felt so alone anyway. I am in no way dismissing the importance of having my family around me. 

It's just that lately, I've found myself feeling that sense of limbo again. That feeling of not quite knowing where I fit in... not quite knowing where Home is.

[Emily and friends, January 2013]

Related Links
Josepha talks about something similar in Adjusting,
and What Happens When You Live Abroad