Trick or Treat!

It was our first "proper" Halloween this year. We have of course dressed up before [2011, 2012, 2013], and we usually throw a party, but we have never had the opportunity to go out trick or treating. This year, knowing Dubai is quite big on Halloween, we got together with some neighbourhood friends and joined the other children on the streets.

We were out for close to two hours and had an absolute blast. By the end of it, both kids were begging to go home - they'd walked so far and their bags were heavy and they wanted to sleep. Ha. Win!

Sadly, we didn't end up organising a party but we are already talking about next Halloween, and there will be a party and definitely more trick or treating!

"Just a Second"

I sometimes feel like the most repeated phrase in our house is "just a second", closely followed by "just a minute". (I'm not really helping my children's warped concept of time, admittedly)

The kids always want my attention. A cup of milk, a snack, a book read to them, "look at my dance/my picture/me."

It's simple. I can't always stop what I'm doing. And these kids seem to know exactly when the most inconvenient moment to demand my attention is.

We are surrounded nowadays, I feel, by people and advice telling us to stop and give children time. They won't be young forever. They won't ask for us to look at their pretty pictures forever.

The cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow
But children grow up as I've learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs; Dust go to sleep!
I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep.

I know this and I dread the day the demands for attention will stop. On those rare occasions when Adam falls asleep on me, I will stop and take it in for as long as possible. When Emily needs an extra long cuddle after school, she will eagerly get it,

BUT.

I also don't want my kids to grow up (in a world that has no time for them) thinking that anyone will stop and give them a minute whenever they demand it.

I don't want my kids to think they are the centre of anyone's world. It's not always all about them, They need to learn to wait; learn patience.

They won't be kids forever, no. But if I make my bladder wait any longer, it may very well explode. If the pasta doesn't get drained right now, dinner will be mush. If I don't keep my eyes on the road, we won't make it there alive. And bloody hell, if I don't sometimes zone out and check my phone for what may well be a mind-numbing Facebook update, I might just lose my mind.

They do of course get my attention - a lot of the time. Just not every second of every day. They can learn to wait. They can learn that they're not the only ones who need me. They are two siblings who need to share me, their father also sometimes needs me, I sometimes need me.

So enough feeling guilty for not spending every moment of my day giving them my undivided attention. Out with the guilt when I hear Emily tell Adam to "wait a second" before she goes over to help him. (LOL!)

So be it. They are loved. Deeply and desperately. I would do anything for them. It just doesn't always have to be right now. 

Something for Me

Recently, things have changed. Adam is now the age Emily was when we decided to try for another baby (and instantly became pregnant). Nine months from now, Adam will be the same age Emily was when he was born. I'm not quite sure how we got here so fast.

There won't be another pregnancy. At least not as long as I can help it. But just as things were "easy" enough when Emily was this age for us to consider shattering any calm and predictability that had finally settled in our lives by adding a new baby to the mix, Adam is now at a similar stage.

But this time, I get to ride out the calm. I get to do some things for me. As much as I hate to acknowledge that my babies are growing up, I finally get to relax - properly - for the first time in almost four years. I don't quite know how to do it any longer; that word - "relax" - hasn't quite been part of my vocabulary for some time now. But I'm learning.

I've started going to the pool, after hours. Once the children are in bed, I wave goodbye to David and head to the community pool. There's something insanely serene about swimming in an outdoor pool after dark. I swim some lengths, badly, but I don't care. There's no one I know around, I'm there for me. I'm there to do some exercise, I'm there to relax, to swim at my own pace, to breathe in the night air and not need to hurry home, knowing the children are sleeping and safe with their father.

For the first time in years, I get to do something for me. And it's a set up that works, so I hope it will last.

And I find myself wondering, again, why I haven't written here in so long. And I have started to think that maybe it's because a chapter in my life is ending, and a new one beginning. I no longer have any babies. I have a child and a toddler. I am at a point where I am starting to remember that I have an identity, and it's not just limited to being a mother. The era of a smidgen of freedom has arrived.

Finger Paints and Play Doh

I am still not driving here in Dubai (patience is wearing thin...) so some days, we have no choice but to entertain ourselves at home. In fairness, there is PLENTY for the kids to do. We have kitted out an entire playground for them in the garden - only problem now being that it is already too hot by 10am to really spend much time outdoors. 

So Emily asked for some Play Doh and I thought I might give Adam another go with finger paints. 

This was the result...

More paint inside his mouth than on the paper and he really wasn't impressed by any of it, so that ended rather quickly. He then spent twenty minutes playing with the tubs of paint. Fair play.

Meanwhile, Emily made little Play Doh cakes.

Slowing Down

If there's one thing I know about myself it's that I am extremely self-aware. I'm not the sort of person to accept things that I'm not happy about (apart from my weight, it would appear). I strive to make things better, to get to the root of the problem if there is one, and possibly fix it.

I knew things with myself and Adam weren't great. I knew it but I wasn't sure what to do about it for the longest time. As always, it wasn't a clear black and white issue. Even if I knew what I needed to do, I often didn't have the energy to do anything because of how bad nights had become. He was that baby that slept through by the time he was two months old. We enjoyed that for about three months, then when he reached five months, it all began to fall apart. We put it down to development, but then it kept getting worse and we weren't too sure it was just that any longer. It had become a bad, bad habit. He would wake up just to be held, and he wanted us to stand up while we held him. There were a scary amount of desperate hours of no sleep. And I felt hopeless and useless. I couldn't crack it, I needed to get to the bottom of it - for all our sakes - and I just couldn't work out what was wrong.

This was the point at which we began some sleep training. Now before any of you out there very anti sleep-training pounce on me, I do it very humanely. There's no Crying It Out in this house. No way. But there is an element of Controlled Crying. But take the recommended time gaps, and shrink them drastically. What we needed to make clear to Adam was that we were there, we loved him, but we wouldn't be picking him up and walking around with him for hours on end every night. It was about being firm and consistent.

It took a week, and he got it. We had full nights of sleep again and we were ALL the happier for it.

It was at this point that I suddenly saw the light: I needed to give more time to him. Now that any resentment was out of the way (judge me if you wish to, I'm no saint and yes I resented him for the endless nights of unrest), it was easier to enjoy him. It was easier to make the effort to play with him, entertain him. As a result of his better sleep, his daytime naps also fell into a better pattern so I was more able to work with and around them for outings.

So after I wrote that blogpost that day, about how I needed to do things for him, and not just have him tag along, I didn't sit on it. It was very basic, almost laughable, but our first outing was to the supermarket. I'd taken him with me before, but he was usually in the ergo, and I'd get on with whatever stuff I needed to do, and carry on, quickly, to my next task.

I realised that I never stop to show him anything, point things out to him, explain, tell him the names of things around him - as I used to do with Emily. And then I realised that the key isn't actually doing things for him, it's just about slowing down, living the moment. If I'm at the supermarket, why not point out the colours in the veggie section? (He loved that). Why not tell him what I'm doing, what I'm buying, why I'm buying it? I did this on a daily basis when Emily was young (I never stopped talking to her!), and yet with him, he just seems to be caught in a whirlwind of never enough time.

So I've slowed down. And I'm happier, he's happier, Emily is happier! I'm funnier (apparently). They laugh more. We do silly things, we dance, we make animal noises for no particular reason, we have random puppet shows from behind the sofa, we learn about things that are around us. And we breathe.

But on top of that, there have also been outings just for him. We now don't only go to the park when Emily is around. We go for walks, we run errands together still, but we stop to take in our surroundings.

A friend of mine posted a quote that same day I wrote that blogpost, which really hit home:

It is not enough that you love them, they must know they are loved. (Don Bosco)

And that's what it's all about.

We've met cousins and friends and he's enjoyed roaming around on the grass.

We've even been out for cafe dates together :)

Me and My Boy

I remembered this post the other day: Autumn Leaf Testing Procedures

I am all too aware that even since Adam was born, this blog is still way more Emily-focused than is right. Before I know it, Adam will be a year old and in this year, it somehow feels like I've done almost nothing by way of having fun with him.

I take Emily out, he tags along.
I run errands, he tags along.
It's never just about him.

I believe there are several reasons... sadly, that "second child" curse is probably the primary issue. Emily demands more attention and needs to be entertained far more. She is great at entertaining herself, but there are obviously limits to that. Meanwhile Adam seems happy to just sit quietly and take everything in. He spends a lot of time in the ergo baby carrier (which he adores) all snuggled up, often chewing on one of the straps.

However, as time passes, that is obviously not enough. He has recently started to crawl and if the amount he eats is anything to go by, has an awful lot of energy to burn... which isn't being used. This means nights have become madness again and it is becoming very clear that him tagging along just doesn't work any longer. (Did it ever "work"?)

And if I'm honest, I'm glad. It's about time I got off my arse and did something fun with this boy. Something especially tailored for him. It starts here. I am going to make it up to him.

Toasting (the end of) 2013

I hate to say it because it saw the arrival of my adorable boy, but 2013 was quite disappointing and very difficult. Between leaving the UK (tears), struggling to settle down in Malta (more tears), the battle with the Maltese gynae system (so many tears), learning to cope with two kids (tears), facing up to the fact that we are still struggling to settle down and not completely happy here (you know it... more tears), it's been a somewhat emotional year.

However, there have also been positives. A fantastic summer, relationships with my little brother and sisters have absolutely blossomed, I've gotten to know David's parents better, our parents have gotten to know the children, I've come to respect myself as a mother in the face of a lot of adversity, David and I have been reminded how to have fun together, and what our priorities are. All precious positives that will stay with me for a long time to come.

Some pictures of the best moments of 2013, because this is the way I'd rather remember it:

Emily's 2nd Birthday

Revisiting old childhood places

Adam's birth, and the beautiful moment when Emily met her brother

Family time

Fantastic summer moments

Visits from best friends in the UK

and cousins

and more great friends!

Emily starting school and meeting her first proper best friend

Watching these two bond

Getting to know this little monkey

Time away with my best friend

 Adam's first Christmas

And Emily's first Christmas that she truly understood. Magical. 

2014 doesn't promise to be a quiet one either, but hopefully it'll be a better, happier one. 

Happy New Year dear reader.

The Littlest One

Adam is almost twelve weeks old now and things have changed dramatically since I wrote Save as Draft. The resentment is long gone. Things have happily fallen into place, just like everyone told me they would - just like I knew they would. It's just so difficult to see through the fog sometimes.

Now, I take both kids out most mornings. We meet friends or grandparents and do fun things together. I'm even slowly learning how to ask for help, which unsurprisingly comes in very handy.

Often, both children nap at the same time which, as any mum of two or more will know, is a very, very big thing. And so difficult to get right... And so frustrating when it doesn't happen. 

Adam is a lovely baby. So easygoing and happy. And so "eager" to follow a routine. Evenings started out quite tricky with him. We weren't able to work out what he wanted, and when. He was very unsettled over Emily's dinner, bath and bedtime most days, which was frustrating because it meant Emily didn't get a peaceful bedtime for a long time. Very often, Adam was screaming in the background with David while I read Emily a story and tried not to show my agitation. 

Having said that, Emily is now used to his crying. She used to cry when he did but that thankfully stopped weeks ago, although she can sometimes lose her cool and be heard angrily muttering "Shut up, Adam!" under her breath. Oops.

However, over the past two weeks we've come very far and despite my trying to push for a 7:30pm bedtime for Adam (for selfish reasons - with summer coming, I wanted the option of a longer afternoon), he has decided he wants to be asleep by 6:30pm. Who am I to argue? It was after all Emily's bedtime when she was little too. It worked for her, as it obviously works for Adam. 

So although it may prove to be harder during the summer months (we'll just deal with it then), it also means that we get two solid hours with Emily before it's time for her to sleep too. Since this came in to play, things have gotten easier. She obviously loves the extra attention, so our relationship has improved. We spend the time snuggling in front of TV, or doing puzzles together, or reading stories. 

After he sleeps at 6:30pm, Adam will then wake up around 3am, and again just before 7am. On a few occasions he has slept through the night. I have become one of those mothers I almost despised when Emily was a baby. At his age, she still woke up 4 to 5 times a night. Maybe karma does exist! Having said that, when David is away, Adam thinks it's acceptable to get up every hour. It's happened over two work trips now and David came back to an exhausted me both times - only for Adam to snap back to his normal, settled nights once David is back.

I am loving life as a family of four. Things are becoming fun now - it's not all hard work and not much reward any longer. A chuckle from Adam is enough to make my entire day feel worthwhile and with so many exciting things in the pipeline, it's mostly all good at the moment :)

Save as Draft

I try not to let much negativity into my blog. I like to look back on posts and have them make me smile, not drag me down. But there is negativity, of course. No one's life is perfect and anyone who tries to say theirs is is just plain lying. So here I am writing this, knowing there is a very good chance I will never have the courage to publish this post, knowing it may be banished to Drafts, that graveyard of blog posts where so many others like it have never - and will never - see the light of day.

There have been bad days lately. Bad, bad days. Days full of short fuses and resentment.

Resentment of Adam for upsetting the perfectly balanced life we had with Emily, for making me feel trapped within these four walls and therefore unable to entertain Emily (and myself) in the way she's used to. Resentment of Emily for acting up every now and again partly because she's battling for my attention and partly because of her age, for her loud and constant voice when she wakes Adam up and disturbs the peace and quiet I've worked so hard to achieve (often in order to be able to give her some attention).

And of course, resentment of myself, for resenting them for simply being themselves.

Resentment of Malta for too many reasons to ever begin to list.

And to top it off, so much loneliness. The feeling of being surrounded by friends who, although they try and are patient, can't quite understand the place I'm in at the moment. Knowing that the two or three people I really would be happy to while away my days with, who really would understand me, are miles away in England (and ironically, Gozo).

Wondering whether I've jumped from the frying pan into the fire. Wondering whether it will all settle and whether I'll ever feel sane again.