The End

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Breaking the Silence

The last couple of years have been hard. 2013 reeked of failure and disappointment. And although 2014 and Dubai have been good for us, adjusting to yet another new place is never easy, especially when there is already baggage. 

I wrote the post below in June but didn't have the courage to post it then. 

I feel now that I can. Because I've sought help and I've come far. I read through the following post with sadness, but also with pride and satisfaction - because I no longer feel like the person who wrote it. 

And that's a good, good thing. 



16th June 2014

This silence is loud. It is made up of judgement, paranoia, and self-loathing. I'd done well. But it's back, and I'm tired of the fight. I'm tired of keeping up appearances. I'm exhausted and I just want it to end.

This is no suicide note. This is me taking hold of things, my life. Me saying I'm not doing this any longer. It's been ten long years, on, off, on, off, struggling, barely coping, knowing there's a problem, trying to figure it out, hardly recognizing myself. Maybe there isn't a cause. Maybe chemistry was always going to get me to this point, where my daughter is so used to seeing me cry, she no longer bats an eyelid when I do.

I know there's a problem. That's half the battle fought, or so I'm told. It doesn't feel like it. It only feels like my battle is more constant because I am so aware of it. Day in, day out. Some days, I start the day with no energy to string a full sentence together, nevermind face a three-year-old's neverending stream of questions, or make a new friend.

And two pure and innocent children relying on me to entertain them, to keep them happy. They are the only reason I've held it together this long. Staying on track long enough to get through the day. Day by day. Some days, needing to stop and remind myself it's okay to stay home and do a whole lot of Not Much. It's okay to have a mediocre day. It's okay to enjoy the simple joys in life, rolling around on the carpet tickling each other. Dancing in our underwear. It's okay to just be.

But the emptiness is huge. The void is thick. There is no such thing as "just being" when some of the hardest things you do every day are breathing, putting one foot in front of the other, looking into someone else's eyes.

11 comments:

  1. It sounds like you've had a really tough time and a bit of a journey. I'm so glad it feels a lot better now, you sound much much happier. Sending hugs x

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  2. Oh dear Clare, I am so sorry that you have been struggling so. But I am so glad that you found someone to talk to who can help you through it. Never ever be ashamed of the way that you feel, not matter how 'ugly' you think it may be. You are so strong and courageous for putting your struggle out in public, and I know that another woman will be encouraged by this. Love from afar!

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    1. Thank you for your words Ashley, and it's so lovely to hear from you. Sending love xxx

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  3. Glad you're back on here again, but sorry it's with such a sad post. I know you've been through a hard time and so glad you're coming out the other side of it. I always say it, but I wish we'd actually managed to live in the same country at the same time for once, even just for a little while to help each other out a little - you never know we might add Dubai to our list of countries we move to yet! Keep smiling gorgeous x

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    1. I wish it too, so often and so deeply - I hope we do get to meet someday. I'm sure no one would be able to tell we'd never actually met in the flesh beforehand ;) Much love xxx

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  4. I'm so sorry to hear that you've been having a hard time, but very glad you feel like you've come through it now. I agree with Ashley that you should not be ashamed of what you've been through because many other people will be feeling the same way and will feel better to know they are not alone, and you will feel like you are not alone because of them. And you are NOT alone! Miss you, lady. x

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    1. Thank you, and miss you too, lovely xx Hope you are well x

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  5. Only saw this today. You ever want to talk, I'm here xxa

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  6. very few people in my experience have the courage and the self belief to get out this "unpleasant" and well done for doing so! Clare hunni 99% of us feel like this some for longer some for shorter some get distracted only to find themselves back at square 1 and then battle starts again. Sad that people don't say the truth...you and me both know how crazy this world is...how few are those who genuinely able to say it how it is...and do you know why that is received with such relief? Because it resonates with so many of us....and gives us the hope that if you managed maybe we or others will manage tooo...!! I always admired you! Go on dance and sing and make your life everything you want it to be! You certainly can and you are one amazing lady!!! I was very very blessed to know you....for short time and some of that time also had its cloud but yay you are now in the sunshine!!!! Make the most of it!!! Mxxxxx

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    1. You always have a knack of making me feel awesome Maria. Thank you so much. Don't use the past tense for us... we're still friends, and in touch (to the extent two busy women can be!) and you're very much in my daily thoughts. Thank you for this comment, as always xxx Miss you

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