The End

This blog is now closed. The story continues over on Flip Flops and Flying Carpets.

Thank you for reading.

I'll Be Honest

Lately, to the large extent, life's been a great, big, steaming pile of crap. Since around the 29th October we've barely had a whole night's sleep. Between teething, an ear infection and God only knows what else, Emily has been up almost every night for hours at a go.

Some nights, even thinking of her smile, her chuckles, her general adorableness hasn't cut it. Some nights have pushed me so far, I've ended up in tears not wanting to go into her room for fear of losing my temper with her. Some nights I've despised her.

Luckily I'm surrounded by some great friends who, while they can offer no solutions, assure me that feeling this way is normal. (Equally, there have been "friends" who have offered no support whatsoever, instead trying to make me feel like the worst mother that ever lived. Always nice, that.)

Days become equally as hard. I'm so tired I'm listless, unmotivated and verging on depressed. Housework has severely fallen behind. I then look at the mess around me and feel even worse. Some days I have no energy to hold a conversation with anyone and avoid meeting friends or socialising at all. This plus my husband's very long work hours sometimes makes for very unfulfilling days, meaning things are already not great at bedtime, when we then need to gear up for the possibility of yet another tough night.

My point? Not sure there is one. But if any of you think my life is a bed of roses all the time....? Not so much.

[I wrote this at 3:30am this morning after having been up for 3 hours, 2 of them trying to get Emily to go back to sleep, one of them trying to get myself back to sleep. Apologies if it sounds somewhat desperate. I was.]


---

Update, 22nd November @ 20:50

I have learnt that when I reach rock bottom, I feel the need write about it. And after that, the only way is up. However, thanks to my writing about it and in this case making it public, you've all made it that much easier to find the way "up". Since yesterday's post, the amount of love and support that has come FLOODING in (here, FB, Twitter, email, text, whatsapp, you name it!) is amazing, and so moving. I am in such an immensely different place today - and it's all thanks to you. I am once again able to look at Emily and feel pride and overwhelming love for her, and when she moaned a bit this afternoon, it didn't feel like the end of the world. We just had some cuddles and sang a few songs, and she was happy again. I couldn't do that recently, it's felt so hard, like I'd become a rock, incapable of feeling warmth towards her. We had a really great day today. So from the bottom of my heart, thank you <3

11 comments:

  1. *huggles* love you no matter what xxx

    ReplyDelete
  2. awww hanini, nothing and nobody prepares you for those sleepless nights aye? Miskina :( I can't even imagine what running on so very few winks must be like. it's normal and I certainly don't think any less of you. Parenting is a weary full time job but you're doing a fantastic job. YOU are awesome. You're a great mother. mwaaaaaaaaa & big squishy hugs

    ReplyDelete
  3. Being a mum is such hard work, nothing and no one can prepare you for it. It's harder when they have been sleeping through then suddenly stop. You have to completely get re-used to a routine.

    We just do what we have to do, and in the mean time don't worry about the housework.

    You're a fab Mummy and if you want to vent ever. You know where I am xx

    ReplyDelete
  4. Clare....you are a wonderful mother and David is a wonderful father. parenthood is hard work and takes a lot of sacrifice. but concentrate on the reward; you have a beautiful daughter who will grow up knowing you both adore her. it will be hard as well as easy but she will be worth it x
    And sorry if I havent been supportive/kept in contact as much as i should have been. Ive always read your tweets, facebook and this blog. if you ever need to talk or vent or whatever, you have my number x

    ReplyDelete
  5. Every mother has been there or will be there at some point. Don't beat yourself up for it. You're a great mum and raising a child is the hardest job on earth. Hope you're feeling better. x

    ReplyDelete
  6. Am not a mother so I can never quite understand however I am sure what you are feeling is normal. You are a wonderful mother hanini. XXx

    ReplyDelete
  7. Been there my dear, grit your teeth and remember this too shall pass, and whenever you can go back to the rule of 'sleep when your baby sleeps'. I did a lot of venting/ranting on twitter which also helps! Hugs xx

    ReplyDelete
  8. Dear all, you are amazing. I've added a general thank you note & update to the blog post, which is of course also includes you. I won't go into an individual reply to your comments, for the simple reason that right now, I'd rather not go back to that place, mentally. Moving onwards & upwards. But know that your comments helped, loads. Much love to you all xxxxxxxxxxx

    ReplyDelete
  9. (((hugs)))
    Just seen this.
    I have most definitely felt the same.
    No magic cure that I've found but I firmly believe that a problem shared is a problem halved xxxxx

    ReplyDelete
  10. hi hun, just saw the above... It's completely understandable how you felt. I'm glad to see you have so many people who love you and are here for you. Glad I get to take you out for cupcakes tomorrow!!! jo xxx

    ReplyDelete
  11. Thank you Tina, that's exactly it. But there need to be people willing to listen and in this case, there most certainly were xxx

    Jo - Can't wait to see you tomorrow :) xxx

    ReplyDelete