I'll Be Honest
Lately, to the large extent, life's been a great, big, steaming pile of crap. Since around the 29th October we've barely had a whole night's sleep. Between teething, an ear infection and God only knows what else, Emily has been up almost every night for hours at a go.
Some nights, even thinking of her smile, her chuckles, her general adorableness hasn't cut it. Some nights have pushed me so far, I've ended up in tears not wanting to go into her room for fear of losing my temper with her. Some nights I've despised her.
Luckily I'm surrounded by some great friends who, while they can offer no solutions, assure me that feeling this way is normal. (Equally, there have been "friends" who have offered no support whatsoever, instead trying to make me feel like the worst mother that ever lived. Always nice, that.)
Days become equally as hard. I'm so tired I'm listless, unmotivated and verging on depressed. Housework has severely fallen behind. I then look at the mess around me and feel even worse. Some days I have no energy to hold a conversation with anyone and avoid meeting friends or socialising at all. This plus my husband's very long work hours sometimes makes for very unfulfilling days, meaning things are already not great at bedtime, when we then need to gear up for the possibility of yet another tough night.
My point? Not sure there is one. But if any of you think my life is a bed of roses all the time....? Not so much.
[I wrote this at 3:30am this morning after having been up for 3 hours, 2 of them trying to get Emily to go back to sleep, one of them trying to get myself back to sleep. Apologies if it sounds somewhat desperate. I was.]
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Update, 22nd November @ 20:50
I have learnt that when I reach rock bottom, I feel the need write about it. And after that, the only way is up. However, thanks to my writing about it and in this case making it public, you've all made it that much easier to find the way "up". Since yesterday's post, the amount of love and support that has come FLOODING in (here, FB, Twitter, email, text, whatsapp, you name it!) is amazing, and so moving. I am in such an immensely different place today - and it's all thanks to you. I am once again able to look at Emily and feel pride and overwhelming love for her, and when she moaned a bit this afternoon, it didn't feel like the end of the world. We just had some cuddles and sang a few songs, and she was happy again. I couldn't do that recently, it's felt so hard, like I'd become a rock, incapable of feeling warmth towards her. We had a really great day today. So from the bottom of my heart, thank you <3
Some nights, even thinking of her smile, her chuckles, her general adorableness hasn't cut it. Some nights have pushed me so far, I've ended up in tears not wanting to go into her room for fear of losing my temper with her. Some nights I've despised her.
Luckily I'm surrounded by some great friends who, while they can offer no solutions, assure me that feeling this way is normal. (Equally, there have been "friends" who have offered no support whatsoever, instead trying to make me feel like the worst mother that ever lived. Always nice, that.)
Days become equally as hard. I'm so tired I'm listless, unmotivated and verging on depressed. Housework has severely fallen behind. I then look at the mess around me and feel even worse. Some days I have no energy to hold a conversation with anyone and avoid meeting friends or socialising at all. This plus my husband's very long work hours sometimes makes for very unfulfilling days, meaning things are already not great at bedtime, when we then need to gear up for the possibility of yet another tough night.
My point? Not sure there is one. But if any of you think my life is a bed of roses all the time....? Not so much.
[I wrote this at 3:30am this morning after having been up for 3 hours, 2 of them trying to get Emily to go back to sleep, one of them trying to get myself back to sleep. Apologies if it sounds somewhat desperate. I was.]
---
Update, 22nd November @ 20:50
I have learnt that when I reach rock bottom, I feel the need write about it. And after that, the only way is up. However, thanks to my writing about it and in this case making it public, you've all made it that much easier to find the way "up". Since yesterday's post, the amount of love and support that has come FLOODING in (here, FB, Twitter, email, text, whatsapp, you name it!) is amazing, and so moving. I am in such an immensely different place today - and it's all thanks to you. I am once again able to look at Emily and feel pride and overwhelming love for her, and when she moaned a bit this afternoon, it didn't feel like the end of the world. We just had some cuddles and sang a few songs, and she was happy again. I couldn't do that recently, it's felt so hard, like I'd become a rock, incapable of feeling warmth towards her. We had a really great day today. So from the bottom of my heart, thank you <3
Toughie
The weekend was not quite the one we had in mind. I was unwell on Thursday and Friday, and so desperate for Emily not to catch whatever I had, I went a little bit mad on Thursday evening disinfecting toys I'd touched throughout the day, the kitchen, and the "13 hideouts for icky germs." It probably didn't exactly aid my recovery. But while David ended up getting sick over the weekend and is still recovering, Emily didn't get sick. So yay me.
What she did have was lots of teething pain. Loss of appetite, a runny nose, a few very toxic nappies, and on Saturday night, a fever of 101 degrees. I stripped her down to her vest when she woke us up to find her that way at 2am on Sunday and I could feel her burning through my nightclothes, her thighs red with the heat. My heart went out to her.
David moved downstairs to the sofa and Emily came into bed with me. But she never quite settles to sleep in our bed, and that night was no different. Eventually we ended up back in her room, snuggled on the armchair until she fell asleep at 4:30am, finally (a little bit) cooler.
Short of bulging gums, there is still no sign of the wretched teeth. But today she woke up suddenly knowing how to clap, and she's loving it. She's been trying to clap for weeks and weeks and couldn't quite get her head around it and finally, she's figured it out and she is SO proud of herself, it's tangible.
There have been many cuddles and snuggles over the last few days, many tears and much screaming (silent on my part), along with a good (but never sufficient) dose of patience and counting-to-ten. Bear with me if I am not around much this week, my energy is being spent elsewhere!
David moved downstairs to the sofa and Emily came into bed with me. But she never quite settles to sleep in our bed, and that night was no different. Eventually we ended up back in her room, snuggled on the armchair until she fell asleep at 4:30am, finally (a little bit) cooler.
Short of bulging gums, there is still no sign of the wretched teeth. But today she woke up suddenly knowing how to clap, and she's loving it. She's been trying to clap for weeks and weeks and couldn't quite get her head around it and finally, she's figured it out and she is SO proud of herself, it's tangible.
There have been many cuddles and snuggles over the last few days, many tears and much screaming (silent on my part), along with a good (but never sufficient) dose of patience and counting-to-ten. Bear with me if I am not around much this week, my energy is being spent elsewhere!
Cliché
When I was pregnant, people would tell me not to wish it by too fast. I didn't. I was determined to enjoy every moment and despite being sick for over six months of the pregnancy, I think back with a smile on my face and butterflies in my tummy. It was a magical time and I made the most of it the way it was.
When Emily was about to be born, people told me to enjoy my sleep and my restful nights while I had them. They advised me not to wish them away too fast - once she arrived, I wouldn't be getting any sleep. I disagreed: I was already losing sleep, Emily was making a point of that, using my bladder as a pillow and testing how far exactly my hips would stretch. I wanted to meet my princess on what would be the most important day of my life. It had been a long enough wait, and much to my delight, she arrived 5 days early. I don't feel I lost out on any sleep because of it.
When she arrived, they said "Enjoy her, they grow so fast." A cliché in every way, but each day that passed, each week, each month, I just found myself thinking the same thing. They grow so fast. At some point around four months (or it may have been five), Emily lost her newbornness. She became a baby rather than a newborn. Now, despite making no attempt at toddling, she looks more like a toddler than a baby. She is so far removed from the fragile newborn I held moments after she was born, it's hard to believe it's only been - realistically - a few months. She really has grown fast.
For once, "they" were right.
When Emily was about to be born, people told me to enjoy my sleep and my restful nights while I had them. They advised me not to wish them away too fast - once she arrived, I wouldn't be getting any sleep. I disagreed: I was already losing sleep, Emily was making a point of that, using my bladder as a pillow and testing how far exactly my hips would stretch. I wanted to meet my princess on what would be the most important day of my life. It had been a long enough wait, and much to my delight, she arrived 5 days early. I don't feel I lost out on any sleep because of it.
For once, "they" were right.
My View: Autumn Edition
Who remembers this?
Walking along the other day, I just couldn't resist but snap an updated picture. This is my fantastic view this Autumn:
The little princess's hands get cold very quickly, and it was a particularly cold afternoon so I whipped out the mittens. She didn't quite appreciate them being put on but once she was warm, she sat there and enjoyed the ride like a proper little lady... bear.
Walking along the other day, I just couldn't resist but snap an updated picture. This is my fantastic view this Autumn:
The little princess's hands get cold very quickly, and it was a particularly cold afternoon so I whipped out the mittens. She didn't quite appreciate them being put on but once she was warm, she sat there and enjoyed the ride like a proper little lady... bear.
Rubber Ducky
Dear family of duckies from various walks of life,
I can't not thank you. You provide Emily with hours of bathtime fun. You make squeaky noises, squirt water and look cute, and for this I thank you.
What I'd love to know, though, is WHY DO YOU NEVER FLOAT UPRIGHT?!!!!
That is all.
I can't not thank you. You provide Emily with hours of bathtime fun. You make squeaky noises, squirt water and look cute, and for this I thank you.
What I'd love to know, though, is WHY DO YOU NEVER FLOAT UPRIGHT?!!!!
That is all.
One Little Strawberry
So Halloween came and went and we had not a single trick or treater. This means that it is now down to David and myself to get through the (thankfully small) bucket of sweets we had prepared just in case. We know we don't usually get trick or treaters around here (we've had one little group come by since 2007!!) but I always prepare some sweets - you don't want to be caught without! Plus, it's so much fun! I'm always left quite disappointed when, yet again, the doorbell remains silent. Bah humbug.
But we still got to have some Halloween fun. We had a little NCT Halloween party over the weekend. Not a massive turnout there either as many people couldn't make it or were away, but it was fun for the four little ones there. And Emily went as.... a strawberry! Here are some pictures, enjoy the cuteness!
James and Emily
Myself with Emily, Joseph and Joshua, Joshua again
xx
But we still got to have some Halloween fun. We had a little NCT Halloween party over the weekend. Not a massive turnout there either as many people couldn't make it or were away, but it was fun for the four little ones there. And Emily went as.... a strawberry! Here are some pictures, enjoy the cuteness!
James and Emily
Myself with Emily, Joseph and Joshua, Joshua again
xx
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